Jackass 3D Review

So...I set off on my way to a preview screening of Jackass 3D a little over an hour early with this thought in mind, "Surely no one is lined up outside the theater on a Thursday night to watch poo flung at them in high definition and in three dimensions. Everyone is at home watching the live episode of 30 Rock, right?" Well, when I arrived the line had over 250 Jackass fans of every race, color, age group, and tax bracket. It stretched out the doors of the theater and around the corner of the building into dark oblivion. Amazingly, the first person in line was an elderly woman who might just have been left there by her teenage grandsons to hold their place in line while they ran off to huff glue and get loaded on Fruit Punch flavored Four Loko.

I consider for a moment screaming "FIRE!" to disperse the line, but then an opportunity presents itself in the form of the press line forming inside. A ha! If I can only fool the Paramount rep into thinking I'm with the local Bloggerati, I can bypass the line.

So I ran to car to find props and then quickly fashioned a makeshift ipad out of an Etch o' sketch and some fruit stickers, and put on a pair of horned rimmed glasses and hopped in the press line. "Who are you with?" "The Noobnews sir". "Go on in. " Success!

As I watched the rest of the non bogging crowd enter the theater I couldn't help but notice how many children were there and wondered how many would get spanked on their way home for convincing their Spanish speaking only parents to take them to this late night screening of a film that features a man with an RC helicopter tied to his penis and another shooting projectile shit out of his asshole and onto a miniature train set.

I'm not really sure how to review a film like this. It's far from a narrative and barely a documentary. You'll probably laugh at some points and most likely laugh uncontrollably at least once. My moment came when seeing a dwarf super glued to an obese man in the 69 position. But, what is almost a certainty is that you will be gagging. For a moment after watching Steve-o chug a glass full of fat guy ass sweat, one of the camera men begins vomiting all over his equipment and everyone around me was dry heaving and covering their mouths in disgust. For a moment I thought the entire theater was going to turn into one huge re-creation of the pie eating scene from "Stand By Me". The upside though is the 3D looks great. There is literately doo doo flying right at you. One can only wonder what youtube videos will look like in a few years as 3D camera technology trickles down to the consumer market and into the hands of Jackass copy cats.

I can't really recommend you see this film because it will most certainly make you sick or uncomfortable at some point but a lot like the Jackass disclaimer at the beginning of every show which explicitly reminds you not to attempt any of the stunts they perform, isn't that just more of a dare?